I need to be near my spiritual parents.

My life has never been boring. I love my life. I love airplanes. I love time changes. I love the consistency of change. It has really calmed the chaos in my heart for years.

life is changing for me. I have felt the change inside me for months now. The things that felt so secure suddenly felt unsettling. I have been ignoring this unsettling feeling. Tonight the Father and I started to talk and soon there was was a definition to the unsettling.

it is time for the foundation to change.
the foundation that I have stood on needs to be rearranged.
taken apart and rebuilt.

there was such opposition for me to move here. I really believe that the enemy knew that the change that would take place would be so deep in who I was.
yet that change takes such a strong shift for me. That it will almost look I am not myself for a bit. I am okay with that. I might be questioned. I might be judged.
But here are my true motivations.

I want to be healthy. I want wholeness. I want a future that is not filled with fear. I want a future filled with the dreams deep within me fulfilled.
So I will relentlessly accept the change the Lord wants for me...

because He loves me. and i love him.

Weird enough I have no fear walking into this season. I trust my father. I think I am ready. I love my life right now. In my natural eye there is nothing I would change.
But my father is asking me to change something for life to get better. to be fuller. I trust him.

no one is asking me to change who I am. no one is asking me to change my plans. I am. I feel that I am walking into a season that needs my spiritual parents close to me.

the one consistent thing in this next season is that I will have my spiritual parents near me. I won't travel far from them. I won't be away from there for a long period of time.
you might ask why they are the focal point.

because i need them.

i am not sure if i have ever said that about anyone or anything. but i realize in my life the need for family and spiritual parenting. and I have both in colorado.
It is a season to cling to family.

my spiritual parents. my pastors. my friends.
ben and robin pasley.

home

Hello, from the mountains of Colorado. It has been almost five months since I transported myself from island to mountains. The experience of transition never fails to be less than exciting. There was so much in my heart being stirred that it has been impossible to understand it all. I am beginning to embrace the reality of the chaos that transition brings internally. It is a process of giving up the old and embracing the new. This sounds simple. Yet the path of the simple act of giving up and embracing new has been more than challenging for me. I never really realized how tight I was holding on things until I was trying to let go. The grip was shocking to me as I began the process of giving up my time in Maui. Maui was more than a home for me. It represented family, growth, and a place where I was understood, encouraged, and loved. I came to Maui as a young 21 year old and was took into a culture that I could be myself. It started out with YWAM, then New Hope Maui, and then just the beauty of island life and relationships. I think I really believed there was no place on earth other than Maui that I would feel safe, loved, content, and free. I lived in Minneapolis the last 2 years, but frequently went back to Maui every few months. My deep connections were still with people there and my church that I longed to be with. I got the best of both worlds for a couple years as I continued life on the mainland and had Maui every few months. I never had to let go, I could have both. Why, because Minneapolis was always temporary for me. It was a season I was there. I loved what I did, loved the people I was with, but my heart was in Maui and my family there. It worked in my heart for two years.

I don't know how to describe the difference of my moving to Colorado. I realize that I move and transition quite a bit. I do thrive on change and embrace it easy. I love the newness of a place, and newness of a job, and beginnings. But there is a deep seed of independence that has fear of being stuck, being misunderstood, and being left. Most people don't see that side of me because it rarely shows it's ugly face. I don't want to be trapped. I like the wind of change and the sensation of newness. There has been nothing that has been appealing to staying and creating a sense of roots. Until now.

Here I am in Colorado with some amazing people that captured my heart. It is not in the state or my job, it is the people that I am with here. That has made everything different for me. For the first time in life, I am ready to settle down and be here. That is a big step for me and affects my life and the choices surrounding me. I will always travel. I will always be ME. But now home is not a place, it is the people.

spring is flighting to come..

the
snow
is
l
i
g
h
t
l
y


fAlliNg.

The silence is the pounding reality of
the
new
season.


My ears hear the air.
my heart hears the
uncomfortable
sEnSe
of
cHanGe.

I can smell it in the air.

the SeAsoN is cHanGiNg.

the winds are changing.
the sun is being stretched farther into the night
the warmth upon my skin is pursuing my soul.

I have been bundled up for so long.
the layers of protection are
now shedding off
this
heart
of
miNe.

the scarf to protect my neck.
so I can have
movement
to look
to the
leFt or the riGhT.
the scarf has made it hard to turn widely and quickly.

the hat to protect my head.
my thoughts.
my mind.
the hat has covered my ears and
has slightly dimmed my hearing.

the gloves to protect my hands.
so i could still reach out
and touch.
the gloves stood between skin to skin.

the boots to protect my feet.
so I could keep walking
forward
the boots naturally slowed down my pace.

the jacket to protect my heart.
the vulnerability.
the fears.
the unnerving
reality
of
winter
the jacket warmed me rather than the evidence of the sun.
it warmed the exterior of me
not
the interior.

I have been treading water in an ocean of transition.
my legs have grown tired of
running after this concert
of cHanGe.

and
here
it
is.

spring is fighting to come.
the
rivers
want
to

FLOW.

the frozen waters of my heart are thawing.
the deadness of the trees are starting to see buds.

the brownness of the grass is slowly turning green.

sPrinG is fiGhtiNg to cOme.

my muddy footprints are becoming clear.

even though I am been waiting for spring.
holding on for spring.
grasping for this day..

there is something unCOmForTaBle

about
the
changing

of seasons.

we grasp onto the past.
we drown in the tension of change.


spRinG is fiGhtInG tO come.
to overcome.

to bring the new life

that
winter
has
been
promising.

today i am here.

the wiNtEr is paSsiNg.

the spring is coming.

i await the promise of spring
as it enfolds
right
before
my
eyes.