Letting go

Grief will never be an enjoyable journey. It is a process of saying good-bye to someone or something you love. It is a process of readjusting your life without that one thing in it. And the layers grief has seems to continue in a rapid pace of the pure knowledge that you are missing out and letting go of something so important to you. This week was a week of grief for me. No one died. But the process my heart felt of letting go of something I love defined the grief I am oh so familiar with. It feels like you are gripping something so hard and watching it slip out of your fingers. It is quicksand in your heart and the world feels like it is going around you as you stand still. You become an spectator of life without really living it. I lost two days of being a spectator.

Grief is in it's ugliest form makes you feel so alone and ravished by your emotions. Some asked me this week if I was lonely. I had to really smile inside. I am one of those people that have never felt lonely. I have always had love and support around me. But the feeling of being alone is different. It is a place where you are standing in your own circumstance and cannot seem to process it with anyone because there are no words yet, just deep emotion. I felt alone this week.

I attempting to buy a house in Woodland Park. Little did I know that buying a house would unearth so many things in my heart. It all started last sat when my closest friend in Colorado offered me a simple challenge. I don't even remember her exact words but fear entered my heart and I began to panic. I didn't know why I was panicking but the world's walls seem to be closing on me. It hit me. I am not moving back to Maui. I know you might be smiling at me. I have lived here a year and a half. I love my love and what I do. But I am someone that is so delayed in the realities of life that it hasn't really sunked in.

My time in Maui was some of my happiest days of my life. I spend all of my 20's there and made friendships there that became family to me. Maui is filled with memories that will always make me smile. So many fun experiences, travel and living life to it's fullest. In those years there was so much heartache but Maui and the people there became my home and family. We walked through many deaths together and celebrated many victories. It was a great season of life.

I really do love my life here in Colorado. When I moved here I moved with little expectation what it would be like. It passed every expectation I had and it seems at times too good to be true. I have again made the best friends that we can love each other, dream together and push each other to be ourselves. I am so blessed. None of this makes giving up a season that I love easier. I love not only love maui, but my life there too. I love living by my best friend. Seeing her son every day. Walking to the beach. Having the best church in the world. this week was saying a final goodbye to a place, people, and life I love. Again, I know it seems delayed. But I think I really have been "testing" out colorado. I guess I always thought I would go back to Maui. But this week as I sat on the phone with my best friend weeping I knew that it was bringing closure to a great season there. It was letting go and redefining home to me. It was investing long term in the people around me locally. It was saying good bye to one place and welcoming Woodland Park as my home. I have got to live with now my dearest friends here in Colorado. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would get to do so many things I love. I am bartending, which is fun. I am now committed with Robin Pasely to do women's events for the next many years. I have my own accessory line. And I continue to walk with women on their journeys. I truly love my life. So this process should be easier, but it is not. I see memories. I see laughter. I see things that will always make me smile.

this week was a week of letting go and embracing the beauty of making this place truly my home. I invite you to come see me here. There is so much excitement of what is to come. The tears are temporary for this week. As I buy this house I begin to create new memories, deepen my friendships here and will always come back to Maui to visit with a smile in my heart.